Classic One Liners
Posted by: Lord Faux PasBelow is a writing exercise that I did a few years ago. We were to take these 5 classic Henny Youngman One Liners and write a brief chapter with them.
1.) Take my wife, Please!
2.) A little gossip goes a long way in this town.
3.) Answers are what we have for other people's problems.
4.) To a bald guy, dandruff is a cheap thrill.
5.) He who laughs, lasts.
Enjoy!
“Take my wife, Please!”
It was a cheesy over-used line, but during my moment of excruciating embarrassment it was all I could think of. Standing there, blinded by a spotlight, and nearly deafened by the chirping crickets, I endured my first and last attempt at amateur night.
I dictated the rest of my act with lightning speed like someone had pushed my fast-forward button. No one laughed. No one snickered. No one even flashed a tooth. I choked out a half-hearted “Thank-you! You’ve been a great crowd,” bowed and sprinted from the stage so quickly, the mic was still squealing when I hit the door. Maybe if I hurried, I could make it home before word spread of my awful act. A little gossip goes a long way in this town, and it wouldn’t be long before Jim would hear about what I’d done.
Jim was somewhat of a mentor to me as far as stand up comedy goes. Really, he was more like my mooching, no-job friend though. He was not intelligent, as far as school went, but a brilliant man of comedy. He could tell jokes with such precision, only a surgeon could make your insides hurt more. But as I approached my car, I could see him sitting on the hood.
“Whoa…what happened there, buddy? That was really… painful to watch Cass.” Jim looked up from the cigarette he was lighting.
“You were there?” The moment was growing undeniably worse. “...yeah, you like that? It’s something new I’m trying out. I call it Casper...Not So Funny After All.’”
“Cass, Cass. Relax! Even the ‘greats’ take awhile to get into their groove, man. You just gotta practice, work up to funny.” Jim’s words were of little comfort to me. It was like trying to take instruction from an idiot savant on how to solve cosmic math equations.
“Look, everyone has to take some falls first. Take for example that funny guy on late night TV. Ha Ha!" Jim slapped his knee and chuckled. "What’s his name? Sheppard, something Sheppard. Man, what IS HIS name? You know the one, he comes on after Letterman?””
“I dunno Jim." I said growing more irritated with him. "Answers are what we have for other people’s problems”
“Now that’s funny Cass, see you’re getting funnier by the minute” Jim stared up at the sky poking at his forehead with a dirty finger as if to push the answer out of his ear.
“DON SHEPPARD!” He shouted, apparently finding the answer somewhere in his black hole of a head. “YES! Don Sheppard! That’s the guy. I LOVE him! He’s got that funny bald-guy bit. Now THAT guy is funny!”
“Jim, he’s not trying to be funny. He, he’s an infomercial, not a comedian.”
“GET OUTTA HERE!”
“No, yeah seriously. He’s an infomercial to sell that spray-on hair stuff.”
“Your killin’ me, who’d buy that kind of crap!?” He said, squinching up his eyes making a swirly motion over his head with his hand. I couldn’t help glancing obviously at Jim’s shiny cue ball just above his eyes.
“Hey! All I’m sayin’ is to a bald guy, dandruff’s a thrill! A cheap thrill, but a THRILL non-the-less” I let out a laugh. Jim was not a smart guy, but the guy always remained true to the comedian credo; He who laughs, lasts.
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